He's Always There

Present: existing or occurring now.

“Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you." - Jeremiah 32:17

Why, hello there. Long time no talk. Sorry, life has been pretty crazy lately and I've had to take a step (or two!) back and reevaluate my life, who I am, and what I want. We all need those times right? It strengthens knowing who we are and our faith.

A lot has changed since I last did a post. I bought a car!! I've been praying for a car for a long while now, and after many attempts of finding a car within my price range that wasn't a hunk of junk, I found it. All in cash *almost* by myself, my grandfather helped pay for a portion of it. But mostly all on my own. I named him Gubler after my celebrity crush and all time favorite person, Matthew Gray Gubler. I thought of the name "Matty" but didn't quite fit, then I thought of "Gray" but my exterior is grey so I thought that would be too weird. So I finally went with Gubler and I'm loving it! God was there in those moments of prayer and telling me to wait even when I was desperate and crying because I didn't have my own vehicle to have my freedom in. God stepped in and provided, and I am forever thankful!!

Yeah, so the last few weeks/months have been pretty messy in my head. I've been dealing with a ton of self-doubt and anxiety, and I don't like to make it known. I believe that depression and anxiety is actually good for you mentally. Don't get me wrong, it SUCKS! My struggle with self-doubt is along the lines of "why are you so worthless" and "can you do anything right?" and "nobody cares for you", and much more. Dude, it's like the devil is saying "Go big or go home." And we all know the devil doesn't stop hitting us with lies and curses.

And just because I'm being very open with this, doesn't mean I'm over it. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a young teen. But the difference then and now is that I know what I should do when those lies and doubt star creeping in. I determine what is God's voice and the lies of the devil. It's hard at times, because the devil can be pretty sneaky, but I pray. Oh, I pray HARD!

I've probably mention this before but the times that I've given my struggles to God and trusted in Him, where the moments that changed my life.

A lot of people I know struggle with depression and I hate it! At times, I wish I could take their burdens and shoulder them. But I also look at it as a challenge and it's God's. God challenges our faith. He doesn't want us to feel like we aren't good enough or that we can't do anything right, He just wants us to worship Him and trust Him with our lives.

Back to the topic. This isn't something I am open about just because its so deep and hurtful but there was a time in my life where I tried to end my life, twice. Both times, I know I should have died. But I didn't. God was always there and held me in His arms when I fell apart on the bathroom floor with blood dripping from my arms and sides. Whew. He loved me even when I cursed Him and His plans for me. Wow. He put breath in my lungs when I should have taken my last breath. And as I sit here in Starbucks and I'm trying my hardest not to cry, I just am so humbled and blessed to have God save me and live in me. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around or teach but He sure does love me enough to give me so much grace and patience!

I don't know your current situation or where you're at in your faith right now. But He's waiting with open arms. He loves you and wants you. He wants to change your life. Let Him. It will be the best decision you will ever make!

Here's my prayer for you. I pray that God will change your life, but only when you trust Him and give Him everything. It's a hard thing to do. I pray that God takes away the disappointment, hurt, brokenness, and negativity and that peace, joy, laughter, love, and strength fills your heart. And each time you do feel the lies of the devil creep in, I pray you will cry out the precious name of "Jesus" and be filled with His strength. It will be okay, maybe not now, but it will be. Don't give up!

-Isabel I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. -Psalm 121:1-2